If this is victory...

If this is what victory is then why don't I feel victorious? Last week had to have been one of the worst weeks ever... hand in hand with the week I buried Sam. On Sept. 28th, 2010 Jim Howard walked into the courtroom, it was the first time I had ever laid eyes on the monster that killed my baby and her best friend. It was that moment that I realized he was a person just like me, it hurt me to see him walk into the courtroom in handcuffs, not able to hug his family.

Hearing testimony from the police officers and paramedics that were on the scene were heart wrenching to me. I thought I wanted to know about my babies last moments in her life, but it proved to be too much for me to handle. To hear of the screams coming from the mangled car was one thing, but to actually hear the audio was beyond my worst nightmare. To see the photos of Sams injuries, or the photos of her deceased in the morgue wasn't what any parent should ever have to do. Every teen in that car suffered physically and emotionally, all innocence was lost. What exactly would I say to the man that took from me a child. My flesh and blood, a child I took away from an abusive and addicted father so that she could have a better life. I struggled in my kids lives to provide the best I could, sometimes working two jobs and even at times I had feelings that I had failed, but I never gave up and they never gave up on me nor did they complain when we didn't have water, lights or heat in the winter. So what exactly should I say? I wasn't sure... but this is what came out:

Mr Howard,
On March 21st, 2009 you changed the life of my family in the most tragic way. You made the decision to drink & get behind the wheel of a car and drive. That one very irresponsible, selfish decision led you to slam your vehicle into the back of a car carrying 6 teens. One of those teens was my daughter, Sam. The night you hit the car they were in you not only changed the lives of our family but the lives of those teens and their families as well. Every one of those kids suffer everyday, 2 of them suffer physically and all of them emotionally.

Sam was not only my daughter, she was a sister, an aunt, a grandaughter, she was a Stingarette and a cosmetology student. She was also a friend to anyone who needed a friend, most of her friends looked to her for strength. Sam had so many plans for her future... plans she will never put into play. She didnt get to graduate high school nor have the "HUGE" graduation party she wanted to have so bad. She had plans to move out one day with two of her closest friends Priscilla D. and Daya G. and have them split her part of the bills cause she never wanted to have to pay bills. Sam absolutely loved chubby asian babies, someday she wanted to adopt one instead of having her own children. Another plan she will never see through. She loved Hannah Montana & even had a Hannah Montana guitar hero that she made her step-dad buy for her on her 17th birthday, she and her friends played it for hours, they took it everywhere they went. We even sent it with her to Heaven. I loved to hear her sing and watch her dance, she could sit for hours and color with her nieces and friends. Z-Ro and Lil Wayne were 2 of her favorite rappers, she always acted like a rapper and would rap with their songs word for word. When I hear those songs now I laugh with tears in my eyes because I'll never get that joy again. She was sooooo cute and tiny. It kills me inside to know that I'll never get to see her again other than in pictures or in my memories. I'll never get to hug her, or kiss her again. I miss hearing her scream at her brothers to quit harrassing her or visa versa. She will never get to argue with her sister over clothing or shoes again. To most parents those things may seem small or annoying but to me they are memories that I have come to cherish. My life will never be normal again, I am struggling to find a new normal now that she is gone. Living from one day to the next has been very hard for me. It takes everything in my power just to get out of bed everyday, because as soon as I wake up I realize all over again that she is truly gone and she isn't coming home.

I cry everyday... I think of how terrified she must have been in that moment that you hit them. I have so much guilt for not having been there to comfort her in the most terrifying moment of her life. For me to think of her tiny body being crushed on impact or smothering in her own blood is devastating for me as her mother. No words could ever express how it feels to now that your baby, though dead, is all alone in the street with just a white sheet covering her tiny body... no one let me hold her or even kiss her goodbye. I didnt know where she was for two days, she was all alone somewhere in the medical examiners office, she was scared to be alone. Sam was always cold, I wondered if she covered because she was always so cold. The pain I feel daily is a pain I wish on no one. Not even you or your family.

Before I saw you on Sept. 28th all I knew was that you were the monster that killed my baby, I had only seen you in pictures in the papers and on the news. The moment that I saw you walk into the courtroom, I cried. It was that moment that I realized you were a person just like me, just like all of us. My heart goes out to your family as I realize the loss they are suffering as well. I think of your mother and how much she must hurt seeing you as you are now.

I am not here Mr. Howard to watch you suffer and I don't wish you any harm. I stand here today with Sams family and friends to seek justice for these kids. Just one stand that I will take in my journey to say that " Enough is enough!" DWI fatalities are exactly that... FATALITIES... I hurt no less had it been intentional homicide and I believe the punishment should be the same. As I heard your family talk about what a great kid you were and what an outstanding brother, son, cousin and nephew you are now, there was noo doubt in my mind that they were being honest or that you perhaps have a big heart but you aren't here before us being charged with not having heart, you are here before us for drinking and driving. Something you failed at in the worst way. Your family stood here with not only tears but anger. An anger that I do not understand... they have all been given an opportunity to plead for your life, I was not given that chance. Though I understand their pain, I also know that if it were you having to be buried, they would be seeking the same justice that we have sought today.

I am also here today Mr. Howard, to tell you that I forgive you for what you have done. I know that Sam wouldn't want me to have hate in my heart, she would want me to be at peace. I want to say that I am sorry for everyone involved. None of us in the end of this have come out winners. Infact we are all at a loss.
My family lost Sam and her wonderful friend, Raquel. Raquels family lost her and her best friend. You have lost your freedom and your family has lost their loved one to prison. Everyone in this courtroom has had a very tragic loss... all because you thought you were okay to drink and drive.

I wish for you rehabilitation and if you should ever find it then I hope you would have the strength to tell your story in order to help others. And Mr. Russell, you are right in your arguement that a harsh punishment will not change the past because nothing can change the past, but it could perhaps change the future.

God bless you and your family, Mr. Howard, as well as all the families affected by your actions on March 21st, 2009.

Dear Mr. Howard

I have never ever met you, yet you affect my life in ways that no one I have ever known. Its almost 1 a.m. on Saturday morning and I wonder what will I say to you when we finally come face to face. Will you have remorse for what you have done to all these kids? What if anything will you say to me? I often wonder if your mother loved you they way I loved Sam... or was she mean to you? Did she ever tell you that she loved you or hug and kiss you as you walked out the door? Or did she always hit you and call you names? As me and my family struggle through life I wonder so may things... like is it as hard for you to wake up in the mornings like me. Do you drag yourself out of bed because everytime you wake up you realize this isn't some horrible nightmare like me? I wonder if you and your family need couseling like mine. Do your brothers and sisters cry for you and miss you? And are they sad cause they have to see you through a t.v. monitor? Or are they just glad their not having to visit your grave... like me? I wonder how your family would feel if your life was summed up to years in prison, how many years would your life be worth to them? As I sit here writing my victim impact statement I wonder what to say.... what do you say to the person you've never met that killed your child?

Obituary

Samantha Renee Romero

TEXAS CITY — Samantha Romero, 17, of Texas City, passed away Saturday, March 21, 2009, in a tragic car accident. Samantha was born in Galveston, Texas November 10, 1991. She attended Texas City High School. The love of her life was being a Stingarette, and attending cosmetology class. Samantha enjoyed dancing, music and making people laugh. She would spend hours coloring with her nieces and friends. Sam will be missed but never forgotten.

The family will receive visitors at Carnes Brothers Funeral Home in Texas City From 5:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. Wednesday March 25, 2009. Funeral Services will be held at 10:00 a.m. Thursday March 26, 2009, at Baypoint Community Church in Texas City, with Pastor Bobby Gass officiating. Burial will follow at Galveston Memorial Park Cemetery.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. It is spring and God needed a flower for his beautiful garden that’s why he picked me.

Samantha is preceded in death by her father Ramiro Romero, Sr.; grandfather Martin Ortiz; aunt Josephine Romero, and uncle Edward Romero. Survivors include her mother Tracy Leal (Kyle Williams); sisters Rachel Romero and Meray Perez; brothers Edward Romero, Ramiro Romero and Christian Ramirez; grandparents Ophelia Ortiz, Jesus and Josephine Romero; aunts Tammy Leal and Jessica Muniz (Eric); uncle Carlos Romero (Niki), nieces Kristina Ayala, Iyana Romero, Abrielle Garcia, and Amaiya Perez; nephew Kaiden Perez, all of Texas City, Texas.

Pallbearers will be Edward Romero, Ramiro (Boo) Romero, Christian Ramirez, Dan Herrera, Joel Rivera, Marlon Ordonez and Andrew Gutierrez. Honorary pallbearers are Daniel Herrera, Trevor Jones, Tyler Iguess and Jonathan Herrera.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made in Samantha’s name at Texas First Bank, Texas City.
Published March 25, 2009

Prom

Today would be Sam's prom, a day we always talked about. It's been a really hard day for me so far... knowing that she should be with her friends getting ready for one of the biggest days of her life. I wonder what dress she would have picked... would she have really worn glitter converse like she always said she would. BTW I always told her that was not appropriate so that would have been our first prom preparation spat. LOL! I wonder what color she would have picked for her dress or how she would have worn her hair. I always try to wish her here but it doesn't seem to work. I bet she would probably be on the phone with poor Andrew yelling at him.... she always gave him hell. Andrew and Sam had always been in this strange love hate friendship for a long time, she loved him she would just never admit it to anyone and I know he loved her back, she always said no matter what he was gonna be her prom date. So at least I know who she would have gone with.

I ALWAYS wonder if Jim Howard realizes what he took from these girls and our families. Does he sit in his cell and think about them at times or does he just not care? I wish he could have met them, then he'd know the joy they brought to my day. I wonder if he ever had someone bring joy to his life? Or is he just a miserable soul? Though I have forgiven him for what he has done to my daughter and our family it doesn't help my grief. I miss her everyday, every morning when I open my eyes and I realize it hasn't been some long nightmare, it hurts all over again, just like it did the night she passed away. I wish everyone would think before they got behind the wheel of their car after drinking. I know taking a cab isn't cool but it won't kill you or anyone else.....

I love and miss Sam soooo much, if Jim Howard would have called someone, pulled over or even called a cab I would be seeing my daughter get into a limo with all her friends and Andrew to go to prom tonight, but instead we are planning to go to her graveside to plant sunflowers.....

Signs from Sam

I really don't know what was worse for me, seeing Sam's lifeless body for the first time or having to bury her knowing that I would never get to see her again other than in pictures. Even though when I saw her for the first time in the funeral home and I knew her soul was gone, it was still the body that housed it for 17 yrs. it used to be a body that I could hug, and kiss. I could no longer touch her hair, hear her voice or see her smile. Even as mad as Sam had sometimes made me in the past, I didn't care, I just wanted so badly to have her back. If i couldn't have her back then all I needed was some kind of sign that she was okay, that she was infact where everyone said she was... in Heaven.

After Sams burial when I got home, I walked into my house and went straight for the bathroom. I sat in there and cried and pleaded.... PLEASE! Please send me a sign that she is okay. PLEASE! Nothing moved, not even the toilet paper. With that, I went to bed. Maybe 15 mins. later my son started banging at the window but all I could make out was "Mom" I couldn't hear him through the closed window and I was in no mood to get out of bed to ask him what he wanted. He just keeps banging. "What Edward?" "I can't hear you" So he comes running through the front door. "Come here Mom!" "You have to see this!" Reluctant to see anything at this point I get out of bed and walk out the front door behind my son and he points to the sky above my house. There it was! My sign from Sam that she was okay. A rainbow! It was the most beautiful rainbow, most colorful, the biggest one I had ever seen. It was complete from beginning to end. It made so much sense because Sam loved to color with her crayons in her coloring books and draw pictures. Her nieces looked forward to coloring with her. She had sent us a rainbow to let us know she was okay. She made it home....

1 yr. later ...

This whole nightmare started on March 21st of 2009. At 1:12 a.m Sam text me to ask if she could stay out later and if her new friend Priscilla could spend the night, of course she was already 12 mins. past her curfew so I text back NO and NO, get your butt home now. Minutes later I fell back to sleep, only to wake up at 2:12 a.m. I go to Sam's room only to find she isn't home yet, so i text her.... Sam where are you? No answer. I text again... HELLLOOOO get ur butt home now! No answer. I fell back to sleep thinking, she is gonna get it when she comes home. I guess I must have been asleep 15, maybe 20 mins. when my son comes running through my front door yelling that he got a phone call from one of his friends saying Sam had been in an accident and she didn't make it. " What do you mean she didn't make it?" I said " Don't say shit like that!" Panicking, I call the police station to see if there had in fact been a wreck, they confirmed there had been an accident with one fatality but couldn't tell me where or confirm if it was my baby. I grabbed my keys and we jump in the car in search of this wreck as we drive into La Marque I see police lights everywhere. I can never express what my heart felt at that moment, I knew it was true, I just felt it in my heart. As we walk up Mr Berry walks up and stops us from getting any closer to the accident. All I wanna know is IS IT SAM? IS SHE DEAD? He said he couldn't confirm it because she didn't have her ID on her and he couldn't ID her. The look on his face though, I knew it was her. He knew who Sam was, she was his ex-wife's cosmetology student, but he had to go through procedure and have her identified. My son being the protector that he is went to the side with him and looked at a picture of the dead teen to ID whether or not it was her. The cry he let out when he saw the picture is one i never wanna hear again. It was Sam... my worst nightmare had come true.

I didn't know where she was, I didn't know what injuries killed her, I didn't want her to be alone in a strange place. She hated to be alone at home yet alone in some strange place. We made phone call after phone call wanting to find out where her body had been taken to. WELL, the medical examiners office is closed on the weekends, exactly how do you tell someone there loved one is just dropped off in a cold room for days and you won't be able to see them or question what condition their body was in when they were brought in. I needed to know if she felt any pain, I couldnt bare to know if my baby had suffered. This was my baby girl, I couldn't bare the fact that she was dead. Now I can't even know where her body is?

Kyle is on the phone within hours of Sam passing away, he is trying to figure out how we are gonna pay for a funeral. We were not at all prepared to bury one of the kids, after all she had her whole life pretty much planned. She was on the drill team in high school, she loved to dance. Cosmetology was another thing she loved doing, it was gonna be her career, but she always said if she decided she wanted to go to college later then she could pay her way with her cosmetology experience. Marriage for Sam was out of the question, she wanted to live with us forever (seriously), but if she did ever marry then she would adopt children from third world countries. So see, no preparation needed when you look forward to seeing your child's dreams come to life. No matter how big or small the plans may be. So after the people in our community coming together we were able to plan her funeral. Thanks to Baypoint Church and Carnes Funeral Home she had the most amazing funeral it could have possibly been. Approximately 1000 people filled the church and funeral home to pay respects to Sam. It was so comforting to know she was sooo loved. She was only 17 yrs. old and touched so many lives, in such a positive way.

This past year has brought so many different emotions and obstacles our family has had to try and overcome. It hasn't been easy. I have heard a million times the saying " She is in a better place" I really do believe that because this world sucks, the whole judicial system, the government, and people are just cruel, and heaven has to be better than this after all it's Gods home, but then I think she isn't with me. I'm her mother isn't that the best place for a child to be?

I trust in God and I believe he has given me the strength to make it through this. It was God who has given me the strength to forgive Jim Howard for doing what he did to these kids and to our families. I know if you don't forgive then the anger will eat you up inside. Why would I not forgive him? He made the horrible decision to get behind the wheel and drive after a night of drinking it up with friends. Haven't we all made this horrible decision? And how many of you still drink and drive.... most of you. I can't help but not hold Jim Howard totally responsible for the death of Sam. If he was in jail for violation of his probation (sex offenders duty to register) then he wouldn't have been in a bar drinking. (which by the way is just another violation of his probation) When he the police arrived at the scene of the accident he told them that he had been drinking at Daquirita's, yet a police officers testimony of his words isn't enough to hold them responsible for over serving him. Another f&*K up in the justice system. If he had just shot someone and no one saw him or found the gun he used to shoot that person then the word of police officer could have been used to convict him of murder but yet it isn't good enough to convict this establishment of accessory to manslaughter by over serving alcohol to an individual and then allowing them to drive. Makes no sense to me. And WHY with all the alcohol related deaths now isn't someone trying to more regulate alcohol? Why is it even legal still? It obviously has just as much mind altering affects as illegal drugs do... perhaps more than some of the illegal drugs out there today. I just don't get it...