The greatest hope...

I always think of Sam... morning, noon and night. I've even had several dreams of her since she was killed. For some reason this particular night, this particular dream was so real that two days later I'm still crying. Lately I've been asking alot of God. Not only for strength but answers as to why Sam was taken from me. What was the purpose of giving me something so great only to take it from me 17 yrs later. I know, I just said the other day to a mother that I always try not to question it but for a minute I did. And that night, I had a dream of Sam.... As I stood on the front porch of an unknown house, a school bus pulled up and stopped. I'm guessing in my dream she was dead too, because she came off of this bus with her little mini skirt and ponytails in her hair like she used to wear it in Levi Fry, she even had her little back pack on that she would always wear to school. When she got off the bus I screamed her name and asked if I could just have one hug before she left again. She came to me and I hugged her so tight and I didn't want to let her go. I just kept telling her how I missed her and loved her so much. I told her how much it hurt me to lose her. She said she loved me too... "But Mom, you have to let me go, you have to go back now" As I cried and sobbed for her not to push me away she just said " Mom, I love you, you have to go now. You'll be back Mom. Don't cry Mom." As I fell on the porch crying, she disappeared. It was so real that I even remember the woodgrain of the wood the porch was made of. I woke up crying so loud but no one was home. So I wept all morning by myself and I made myself sick I cried so much. I don't know why I questioned her death... cause I say it all the time! It wasn't God that took her from me, it was Jim Howard III. And even as sad as I am right now because of this dream, I know now for sure that I'll be back with her again someday and that gives me such great hope.

Sams Memory...

Yesterday was the beautiful memorial of my angel, Sam. Im almost embarrassed to say that the day went by so fast that I wasn't at all prepared to say the things I wanted to say before the balloon release. I was in such a rush I forgot my little notes, so I'll put it in my blog.


Yesterday was not only a day to remember Sam but to remember a tragic wreck that affected a whole community. It affected the life of Raquel (whom we also lost 12 days later) it affected the lives of Jazzlyn, Priscilla, Johnny and Brandon forever. To most people it's an accident that killed 2 teens, but to our families and these kids it will emotionally be in our hearts forever. I think about the other 4 kids everyday and they are always in my prayers. They hold a very special place in my heart... all of them. I have lost my precious daughter behind a very senseless and preventable wreck, I hurt everyday, I cry everyday, but I couldn't imagine being one of the kids in the car with her. The injuries these kids sustained emotionally and physically are beyond horrible. Knowing one of their best friends wasn't alive and trapped in the car with them must be an unbearable memory. Not being able to help one another yet alone get help from paramedics fast enough(though they did their best)must be frustrating.I hope they don't beat themselves up thinking there must have been something they could have done, because there wasn't anything they could have done to change the outcome of that night. We always think of the worst thing as being death and loss of a loved one, without thinking how tough it is to be a teenager having to see death and turmoil first hand. How could we possibly expect them to understand yet alone keep their faith in God?

Which brings me to a conversation I had in the counselors office with her and my 16 yr. old son. We got on the subject of God and he said he didn't think that there was a God because if there was why would he allow something so horrible happen to his beautiful sister, a young girl that had a bright future ahead of her, a girl who never hurt anyone? That question broke my heart, cause at that moment I knew that he had lost all faith and was very very angry with God. I had always questioned my belief in God before Sams passing. I too always wondered why if there was a God
could such horrible things happen in this world? Well now it's such a simple question for me to answer and the answer is people... people are the reason such horrible things happen in this world. God had nothing to do with what happen to Sam and her friends. God has given us the gift of choice. He puts choice in front of us and it's up to us to make the right choice. Jim Howard had the choice to find another way home or to drive while intoxicated and he chose to drive. In the end causing many people alot of pain, including himself. God doesn't put guns in peoples hands in order to kill other people. He isn't the reason for child abuse. He didn't create gangs. God didn't create alcohol or drugs. God created everything beautiful like life, trees, flowers, the sun and sky. God created beautiful babies. He created me and you. We as people choose to destroy one another. So in the end I was hoping my son could understand what I was trying to say. I left their in tears, sad because he couldn't come with me to her memorial and sad because he blamed God for her death.

Well today is a new day and I feel very emotional and sad. I am missing Sam so much after seeing all of her friends, friends that have grown up to be so beautiful and succesful. I love being around them but I can't help but wonder what my baby would be like today. Would she be cutting hair next to Daya and Meray? Would she be good at it? Days like today I'm so angry and hurt that I can honestly understand how Chris could be so angry at God. But just as I'm feeling really down, I remembered Chris and that I was supposed to take him and his classmates some cake so I pick up the phone to call his wonderful counselor, Mrs. Beatty. I'm so happy I did too because she told me that her and Chris did their own little balloon release yesterday and even though he told us that he didn't want to put a little note on it for Sam, he did! He wrote her a note and tied it to the balloon and released it. They then laid in the grass and watched it fly off. I don't know what he said but he did speak to Mrs. Beatty about his sister... and that's huge leap for him. Maybe... just maybe he is starting to believe again. Now my tears include happy ones...


I want to thank everyone who came out to help us remember March 21st, 2009 and the life of Sam. I hope everyone that doesn't appreciate the gift of life someday can.I hope that all of you that have lost faith in God can someday again confide in him. I hope that all of you engouraging under age drinking can find another way to have acceptance from these young kids besides giving them alcohol and partying with them. Don't you think you're cool enough otherwise? I hope that all of you that search for reasons to drink can cope with life in some other way. I hope that all of you that still drink and drive never get caught like Jim Howard did... not for your safety cause if you don't care about yourself then why should I, but for the safety of other drivers.

If this is victory...

If this is what victory is then why don't I feel victorious? Last week had to have been one of the worst weeks ever... hand in hand with the week I buried Sam. On Sept. 28th, 2010 Jim Howard walked into the courtroom, it was the first time I had ever laid eyes on the monster that killed my baby and her best friend. It was that moment that I realized he was a person just like me, it hurt me to see him walk into the courtroom in handcuffs, not able to hug his family.

Hearing testimony from the police officers and paramedics that were on the scene were heart wrenching to me. I thought I wanted to know about my babies last moments in her life, but it proved to be too much for me to handle. To hear of the screams coming from the mangled car was one thing, but to actually hear the audio was beyond my worst nightmare. To see the photos of Sams injuries, or the photos of her deceased in the morgue wasn't what any parent should ever have to do. Every teen in that car suffered physically and emotionally, all innocence was lost. What exactly would I say to the man that took from me a child. My flesh and blood, a child I took away from an abusive and addicted father so that she could have a better life. I struggled in my kids lives to provide the best I could, sometimes working two jobs and even at times I had feelings that I had failed, but I never gave up and they never gave up on me nor did they complain when we didn't have water, lights or heat in the winter. So what exactly should I say? I wasn't sure... but this is what came out:

Mr Howard,
On March 21st, 2009 you changed the life of my family in the most tragic way. You made the decision to drink & get behind the wheel of a car and drive. That one very irresponsible, selfish decision led you to slam your vehicle into the back of a car carrying 6 teens. One of those teens was my daughter, Sam. The night you hit the car they were in you not only changed the lives of our family but the lives of those teens and their families as well. Every one of those kids suffer everyday, 2 of them suffer physically and all of them emotionally.

Sam was not only my daughter, she was a sister, an aunt, a grandaughter, she was a Stingarette and a cosmetology student. She was also a friend to anyone who needed a friend, most of her friends looked to her for strength. Sam had so many plans for her future... plans she will never put into play. She didnt get to graduate high school nor have the "HUGE" graduation party she wanted to have so bad. She had plans to move out one day with two of her closest friends Priscilla D. and Daya G. and have them split her part of the bills cause she never wanted to have to pay bills. Sam absolutely loved chubby asian babies, someday she wanted to adopt one instead of having her own children. Another plan she will never see through. She loved Hannah Montana & even had a Hannah Montana guitar hero that she made her step-dad buy for her on her 17th birthday, she and her friends played it for hours, they took it everywhere they went. We even sent it with her to Heaven. I loved to hear her sing and watch her dance, she could sit for hours and color with her nieces and friends. Z-Ro and Lil Wayne were 2 of her favorite rappers, she always acted like a rapper and would rap with their songs word for word. When I hear those songs now I laugh with tears in my eyes because I'll never get that joy again. She was sooooo cute and tiny. It kills me inside to know that I'll never get to see her again other than in pictures or in my memories. I'll never get to hug her, or kiss her again. I miss hearing her scream at her brothers to quit harrassing her or visa versa. She will never get to argue with her sister over clothing or shoes again. To most parents those things may seem small or annoying but to me they are memories that I have come to cherish. My life will never be normal again, I am struggling to find a new normal now that she is gone. Living from one day to the next has been very hard for me. It takes everything in my power just to get out of bed everyday, because as soon as I wake up I realize all over again that she is truly gone and she isn't coming home.

I cry everyday... I think of how terrified she must have been in that moment that you hit them. I have so much guilt for not having been there to comfort her in the most terrifying moment of her life. For me to think of her tiny body being crushed on impact or smothering in her own blood is devastating for me as her mother. No words could ever express how it feels to now that your baby, though dead, is all alone in the street with just a white sheet covering her tiny body... no one let me hold her or even kiss her goodbye. I didnt know where she was for two days, she was all alone somewhere in the medical examiners office, she was scared to be alone. Sam was always cold, I wondered if she covered because she was always so cold. The pain I feel daily is a pain I wish on no one. Not even you or your family.

Before I saw you on Sept. 28th all I knew was that you were the monster that killed my baby, I had only seen you in pictures in the papers and on the news. The moment that I saw you walk into the courtroom, I cried. It was that moment that I realized you were a person just like me, just like all of us. My heart goes out to your family as I realize the loss they are suffering as well. I think of your mother and how much she must hurt seeing you as you are now.

I am not here Mr. Howard to watch you suffer and I don't wish you any harm. I stand here today with Sams family and friends to seek justice for these kids. Just one stand that I will take in my journey to say that " Enough is enough!" DWI fatalities are exactly that... FATALITIES... I hurt no less had it been intentional homicide and I believe the punishment should be the same. As I heard your family talk about what a great kid you were and what an outstanding brother, son, cousin and nephew you are now, there was noo doubt in my mind that they were being honest or that you perhaps have a big heart but you aren't here before us being charged with not having heart, you are here before us for drinking and driving. Something you failed at in the worst way. Your family stood here with not only tears but anger. An anger that I do not understand... they have all been given an opportunity to plead for your life, I was not given that chance. Though I understand their pain, I also know that if it were you having to be buried, they would be seeking the same justice that we have sought today.

I am also here today Mr. Howard, to tell you that I forgive you for what you have done. I know that Sam wouldn't want me to have hate in my heart, she would want me to be at peace. I want to say that I am sorry for everyone involved. None of us in the end of this have come out winners. Infact we are all at a loss.
My family lost Sam and her wonderful friend, Raquel. Raquels family lost her and her best friend. You have lost your freedom and your family has lost their loved one to prison. Everyone in this courtroom has had a very tragic loss... all because you thought you were okay to drink and drive.

I wish for you rehabilitation and if you should ever find it then I hope you would have the strength to tell your story in order to help others. And Mr. Russell, you are right in your arguement that a harsh punishment will not change the past because nothing can change the past, but it could perhaps change the future.

God bless you and your family, Mr. Howard, as well as all the families affected by your actions on March 21st, 2009.

Dear Mr. Howard

I have never ever met you, yet you affect my life in ways that no one I have ever known. Its almost 1 a.m. on Saturday morning and I wonder what will I say to you when we finally come face to face. Will you have remorse for what you have done to all these kids? What if anything will you say to me? I often wonder if your mother loved you they way I loved Sam... or was she mean to you? Did she ever tell you that she loved you or hug and kiss you as you walked out the door? Or did she always hit you and call you names? As me and my family struggle through life I wonder so may things... like is it as hard for you to wake up in the mornings like me. Do you drag yourself out of bed because everytime you wake up you realize this isn't some horrible nightmare like me? I wonder if you and your family need couseling like mine. Do your brothers and sisters cry for you and miss you? And are they sad cause they have to see you through a t.v. monitor? Or are they just glad their not having to visit your grave... like me? I wonder how your family would feel if your life was summed up to years in prison, how many years would your life be worth to them? As I sit here writing my victim impact statement I wonder what to say.... what do you say to the person you've never met that killed your child?

Obituary

Samantha Renee Romero

TEXAS CITY — Samantha Romero, 17, of Texas City, passed away Saturday, March 21, 2009, in a tragic car accident. Samantha was born in Galveston, Texas November 10, 1991. She attended Texas City High School. The love of her life was being a Stingarette, and attending cosmetology class. Samantha enjoyed dancing, music and making people laugh. She would spend hours coloring with her nieces and friends. Sam will be missed but never forgotten.

The family will receive visitors at Carnes Brothers Funeral Home in Texas City From 5:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. Wednesday March 25, 2009. Funeral Services will be held at 10:00 a.m. Thursday March 26, 2009, at Baypoint Community Church in Texas City, with Pastor Bobby Gass officiating. Burial will follow at Galveston Memorial Park Cemetery.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. It is spring and God needed a flower for his beautiful garden that’s why he picked me.

Samantha is preceded in death by her father Ramiro Romero, Sr.; grandfather Martin Ortiz; aunt Josephine Romero, and uncle Edward Romero. Survivors include her mother Tracy Leal (Kyle Williams); sisters Rachel Romero and Meray Perez; brothers Edward Romero, Ramiro Romero and Christian Ramirez; grandparents Ophelia Ortiz, Jesus and Josephine Romero; aunts Tammy Leal and Jessica Muniz (Eric); uncle Carlos Romero (Niki), nieces Kristina Ayala, Iyana Romero, Abrielle Garcia, and Amaiya Perez; nephew Kaiden Perez, all of Texas City, Texas.

Pallbearers will be Edward Romero, Ramiro (Boo) Romero, Christian Ramirez, Dan Herrera, Joel Rivera, Marlon Ordonez and Andrew Gutierrez. Honorary pallbearers are Daniel Herrera, Trevor Jones, Tyler Iguess and Jonathan Herrera.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made in Samantha’s name at Texas First Bank, Texas City.
Published March 25, 2009

Prom

Today would be Sam's prom, a day we always talked about. It's been a really hard day for me so far... knowing that she should be with her friends getting ready for one of the biggest days of her life. I wonder what dress she would have picked... would she have really worn glitter converse like she always said she would. BTW I always told her that was not appropriate so that would have been our first prom preparation spat. LOL! I wonder what color she would have picked for her dress or how she would have worn her hair. I always try to wish her here but it doesn't seem to work. I bet she would probably be on the phone with poor Andrew yelling at him.... she always gave him hell. Andrew and Sam had always been in this strange love hate friendship for a long time, she loved him she would just never admit it to anyone and I know he loved her back, she always said no matter what he was gonna be her prom date. So at least I know who she would have gone with.

I ALWAYS wonder if Jim Howard realizes what he took from these girls and our families. Does he sit in his cell and think about them at times or does he just not care? I wish he could have met them, then he'd know the joy they brought to my day. I wonder if he ever had someone bring joy to his life? Or is he just a miserable soul? Though I have forgiven him for what he has done to my daughter and our family it doesn't help my grief. I miss her everyday, every morning when I open my eyes and I realize it hasn't been some long nightmare, it hurts all over again, just like it did the night she passed away. I wish everyone would think before they got behind the wheel of their car after drinking. I know taking a cab isn't cool but it won't kill you or anyone else.....

I love and miss Sam soooo much, if Jim Howard would have called someone, pulled over or even called a cab I would be seeing my daughter get into a limo with all her friends and Andrew to go to prom tonight, but instead we are planning to go to her graveside to plant sunflowers.....

Signs from Sam

I really don't know what was worse for me, seeing Sam's lifeless body for the first time or having to bury her knowing that I would never get to see her again other than in pictures. Even though when I saw her for the first time in the funeral home and I knew her soul was gone, it was still the body that housed it for 17 yrs. it used to be a body that I could hug, and kiss. I could no longer touch her hair, hear her voice or see her smile. Even as mad as Sam had sometimes made me in the past, I didn't care, I just wanted so badly to have her back. If i couldn't have her back then all I needed was some kind of sign that she was okay, that she was infact where everyone said she was... in Heaven.

After Sams burial when I got home, I walked into my house and went straight for the bathroom. I sat in there and cried and pleaded.... PLEASE! Please send me a sign that she is okay. PLEASE! Nothing moved, not even the toilet paper. With that, I went to bed. Maybe 15 mins. later my son started banging at the window but all I could make out was "Mom" I couldn't hear him through the closed window and I was in no mood to get out of bed to ask him what he wanted. He just keeps banging. "What Edward?" "I can't hear you" So he comes running through the front door. "Come here Mom!" "You have to see this!" Reluctant to see anything at this point I get out of bed and walk out the front door behind my son and he points to the sky above my house. There it was! My sign from Sam that she was okay. A rainbow! It was the most beautiful rainbow, most colorful, the biggest one I had ever seen. It was complete from beginning to end. It made so much sense because Sam loved to color with her crayons in her coloring books and draw pictures. Her nieces looked forward to coloring with her. She had sent us a rainbow to let us know she was okay. She made it home....