Yesterday was not only a day to remember Sam but to remember a tragic wreck that affected a whole community. It affected the life of Raquel (whom we also lost 12 days later) it affected the lives of Jazzlyn, Priscilla, Johnny and Brandon forever. To most people it's an accident that killed 2 teens, but to our families and these kids it will emotionally be in our hearts forever. I think about the other 4 kids everyday and they are always in my prayers. They hold a very special place in my heart... all of them. I have lost my precious daughter behind a very senseless and preventable wreck, I hurt everyday, I cry everyday, but I couldn't imagine being one of the kids in the car with her. The injuries these kids sustained emotionally and physically are beyond horrible. Knowing one of their best friends wasn't alive and trapped in the car with them must be an unbearable memory. Not being able to help one another yet alone get help from paramedics fast enough(though they did their best)must be frustrating.I hope they don't beat themselves up thinking there must have been something they could have done, because there wasn't anything they could have done to change the outcome of that night. We always think of the worst thing as being death and loss of a loved one, without thinking how tough it is to be a teenager having to see death and turmoil first hand. How could we possibly expect them to understand yet alone keep their faith in God?
Which brings me to a conversation I had in the counselors office with her and my 16 yr. old son. We got on the subject of God and he said he didn't think that there was a God because if there was why would he allow something so horrible happen to his beautiful sister, a young girl that had a bright future ahead of her, a girl who never hurt anyone? That question broke my heart, cause at that moment I knew that he had lost all faith and was very very angry with God. I had always questioned my belief in God before Sams passing. I too always wondered why if there was a God
could such horrible things happen in this world? Well now it's such a simple question for me to answer and the answer is people... people are the reason such horrible things happen in this world. God had nothing to do with what happen to Sam and her friends. God has given us the gift of choice. He puts choice in front of us and it's up to us to make the right choice. Jim Howard had the choice to find another way home or to drive while intoxicated and he chose to drive. In the end causing many people alot of pain, including himself. God doesn't put guns in peoples hands in order to kill other people. He isn't the reason for child abuse. He didn't create gangs. God didn't create alcohol or drugs. God created everything beautiful like life, trees, flowers, the sun and sky. God created beautiful babies. He created me and you. We as people choose to destroy one another. So in the end I was hoping my son could understand what I was trying to say. I left their in tears, sad because he couldn't come with me to her memorial and sad because he blamed God for her death.
Well today is a new day and I feel very emotional and sad. I am missing Sam so much after seeing all of her friends, friends that have grown up to be so beautiful and succesful. I love being around them but I can't help but wonder what my baby would be like today. Would she be cutting hair next to Daya and Meray? Would she be good at it? Days like today I'm so angry and hurt that I can honestly understand how Chris could be so angry at God. But just as I'm feeling really down, I remembered Chris and that I was supposed to take him and his classmates some cake so I pick up the phone to call his wonderful counselor, Mrs. Beatty. I'm so happy I did too because she told me that her and Chris did their own little balloon release yesterday and even though he told us that he didn't want to put a little note on it for Sam, he did! He wrote her a note and tied it to the balloon and released it. They then laid in the grass and watched it fly off. I don't know what he said but he did speak to Mrs. Beatty about his sister... and that's huge leap for him. Maybe... just maybe he is starting to believe again. Now my tears include happy ones...
I want to thank everyone who came out to help us remember March 21st, 2009 and the life of Sam. I hope everyone that doesn't appreciate the gift of life someday can.I hope that all of you that have lost faith in God can someday again confide in him. I hope that all of you engouraging under age drinking can find another way to have acceptance from these young kids besides giving them alcohol and partying with them. Don't you think you're cool enough otherwise? I hope that all of you that search for reasons to drink can cope with life in some other way. I hope that all of you that still drink and drive never get caught like Jim Howard did... not for your safety cause if you don't care about yourself then why should I, but for the safety of other drivers.
