If this is victory...

If this is what victory is then why don't I feel victorious? Last week had to have been one of the worst weeks ever... hand in hand with the week I buried Sam. On Sept. 28th, 2010 Jim Howard walked into the courtroom, it was the first time I had ever laid eyes on the monster that killed my baby and her best friend. It was that moment that I realized he was a person just like me, it hurt me to see him walk into the courtroom in handcuffs, not able to hug his family.

Hearing testimony from the police officers and paramedics that were on the scene were heart wrenching to me. I thought I wanted to know about my babies last moments in her life, but it proved to be too much for me to handle. To hear of the screams coming from the mangled car was one thing, but to actually hear the audio was beyond my worst nightmare. To see the photos of Sams injuries, or the photos of her deceased in the morgue wasn't what any parent should ever have to do. Every teen in that car suffered physically and emotionally, all innocence was lost. What exactly would I say to the man that took from me a child. My flesh and blood, a child I took away from an abusive and addicted father so that she could have a better life. I struggled in my kids lives to provide the best I could, sometimes working two jobs and even at times I had feelings that I had failed, but I never gave up and they never gave up on me nor did they complain when we didn't have water, lights or heat in the winter. So what exactly should I say? I wasn't sure... but this is what came out:

Mr Howard,
On March 21st, 2009 you changed the life of my family in the most tragic way. You made the decision to drink & get behind the wheel of a car and drive. That one very irresponsible, selfish decision led you to slam your vehicle into the back of a car carrying 6 teens. One of those teens was my daughter, Sam. The night you hit the car they were in you not only changed the lives of our family but the lives of those teens and their families as well. Every one of those kids suffer everyday, 2 of them suffer physically and all of them emotionally.

Sam was not only my daughter, she was a sister, an aunt, a grandaughter, she was a Stingarette and a cosmetology student. She was also a friend to anyone who needed a friend, most of her friends looked to her for strength. Sam had so many plans for her future... plans she will never put into play. She didnt get to graduate high school nor have the "HUGE" graduation party she wanted to have so bad. She had plans to move out one day with two of her closest friends Priscilla D. and Daya G. and have them split her part of the bills cause she never wanted to have to pay bills. Sam absolutely loved chubby asian babies, someday she wanted to adopt one instead of having her own children. Another plan she will never see through. She loved Hannah Montana & even had a Hannah Montana guitar hero that she made her step-dad buy for her on her 17th birthday, she and her friends played it for hours, they took it everywhere they went. We even sent it with her to Heaven. I loved to hear her sing and watch her dance, she could sit for hours and color with her nieces and friends. Z-Ro and Lil Wayne were 2 of her favorite rappers, she always acted like a rapper and would rap with their songs word for word. When I hear those songs now I laugh with tears in my eyes because I'll never get that joy again. She was sooooo cute and tiny. It kills me inside to know that I'll never get to see her again other than in pictures or in my memories. I'll never get to hug her, or kiss her again. I miss hearing her scream at her brothers to quit harrassing her or visa versa. She will never get to argue with her sister over clothing or shoes again. To most parents those things may seem small or annoying but to me they are memories that I have come to cherish. My life will never be normal again, I am struggling to find a new normal now that she is gone. Living from one day to the next has been very hard for me. It takes everything in my power just to get out of bed everyday, because as soon as I wake up I realize all over again that she is truly gone and she isn't coming home.

I cry everyday... I think of how terrified she must have been in that moment that you hit them. I have so much guilt for not having been there to comfort her in the most terrifying moment of her life. For me to think of her tiny body being crushed on impact or smothering in her own blood is devastating for me as her mother. No words could ever express how it feels to now that your baby, though dead, is all alone in the street with just a white sheet covering her tiny body... no one let me hold her or even kiss her goodbye. I didnt know where she was for two days, she was all alone somewhere in the medical examiners office, she was scared to be alone. Sam was always cold, I wondered if she covered because she was always so cold. The pain I feel daily is a pain I wish on no one. Not even you or your family.

Before I saw you on Sept. 28th all I knew was that you were the monster that killed my baby, I had only seen you in pictures in the papers and on the news. The moment that I saw you walk into the courtroom, I cried. It was that moment that I realized you were a person just like me, just like all of us. My heart goes out to your family as I realize the loss they are suffering as well. I think of your mother and how much she must hurt seeing you as you are now.

I am not here Mr. Howard to watch you suffer and I don't wish you any harm. I stand here today with Sams family and friends to seek justice for these kids. Just one stand that I will take in my journey to say that " Enough is enough!" DWI fatalities are exactly that... FATALITIES... I hurt no less had it been intentional homicide and I believe the punishment should be the same. As I heard your family talk about what a great kid you were and what an outstanding brother, son, cousin and nephew you are now, there was noo doubt in my mind that they were being honest or that you perhaps have a big heart but you aren't here before us being charged with not having heart, you are here before us for drinking and driving. Something you failed at in the worst way. Your family stood here with not only tears but anger. An anger that I do not understand... they have all been given an opportunity to plead for your life, I was not given that chance. Though I understand their pain, I also know that if it were you having to be buried, they would be seeking the same justice that we have sought today.

I am also here today Mr. Howard, to tell you that I forgive you for what you have done. I know that Sam wouldn't want me to have hate in my heart, she would want me to be at peace. I want to say that I am sorry for everyone involved. None of us in the end of this have come out winners. Infact we are all at a loss.
My family lost Sam and her wonderful friend, Raquel. Raquels family lost her and her best friend. You have lost your freedom and your family has lost their loved one to prison. Everyone in this courtroom has had a very tragic loss... all because you thought you were okay to drink and drive.

I wish for you rehabilitation and if you should ever find it then I hope you would have the strength to tell your story in order to help others. And Mr. Russell, you are right in your arguement that a harsh punishment will not change the past because nothing can change the past, but it could perhaps change the future.

God bless you and your family, Mr. Howard, as well as all the families affected by your actions on March 21st, 2009.